Why are young adults so lonely?

Psychology Today surveyed more than 1,000 students across the U.S. and found that almost two-thirds reported feeling lonely.

Two-thirds.

That means for every three college students you know, two of them likely feel lonely.

This data helps me understand the trends behind what I had already sensed on the college campuses where I’ve worked. In my office, in the classroom, and in passing conversations loneliness comes up a lot.

Loneliness can be really concerning for a parent or a pastor who cares about the young adults in their lives. The hard truth:

It is statistically likely that a young adult you care about is lonely.

One of my students once confided in me that she was struggling to fit in. She felt like she saw everyone around her making friends and feeling connected in friend groups, but she just wasn’t. She didn’t know what to do and she was afraid to ask her parents for advice. Why? Because she didn’t want to disappoint them. “They’re paying for me to be here, and I should be having a good time. I can’t tell them that I’m so lonely it hurts.”

Why are young adults — and college students in particular — reporting loneliness in such high numbers?  Here are a few informed hunches:

1. Instability.

One of the major markers of emerging adulthood is instability. Changing roommates, rotating classes, studying abroad, going home for summers, going home for breaks, finding a new routine — all of this is really not conducive to making friends, because friendship needs consistency and plenty of time to grow!

What can you do?

• Encourage the young adult(s) in your life to find the little ways their experiences at school help them find rootedness. Is there a place they can consistently study? A club they can consistently attend? Are there students in their major they’ll have several classes with?

• Encourage them to stick with a worshipping community. It can be tempting to “shop around” endlessly for a church, but staying put will help them build relationships. There are good people in virtually any community.

• Help them come up with a plan to stay in touch with their friends over breaks. Those little touch points can help coming back to college feel less lonely.

2. Social media.

I don’t think social media is an all-consuming bogeyman, but the reality is, it really magnifies feelings of loneliness. Social media is designed to help you put your best social foot forward, so when college students are on it, all they see is everyone having fun without them.

What can you do?

• Remind your young adult(s) that social media doesn’t depict real life, and encourage them to take screen breaks for their mental and emotional health.

• Encourage them not to compare their experiences to their high school friends at other schools. Each school experience is different.

• Relate to your young adult by sharing the ways in which social media (if you’re on it) can sometimes make you feel the same way. Sometimes young adults just need to know they’re not alone in feeling this way.

3. Fear of awkwardness.

Fear of being cringey or awkward is enough to make any college student freeze up. My students describe college as feeling an awful lot like the first day of grade school. “Will you be my friend?” is a really hard thing to say. Fearing those awkward moments of early friendship can really increase the sense of loneliness some college students feel.

What can you do?

• Help your young adult(s) think of avenues for friendship-building that ease the awkwardness. Joining clubs, creating study groups, and finding campus ministry gatherings can all be ways to meet people that don’t involve “cold calling” friends.

• Remind your young adult(s) of all of the successes they have had in building friendships in the past. If they did it in grade school, they can do it now!

• Support them with additional resources, like the counseling center, an off-campus therapist, or a minister if the loneliness starts to feel too tough to navigate alone. It’s okay to need extra support!

While two-thirds of college students are experiencing loneliness, we don’t have to be fearful if a young adult we care about is one of them!