Boundaries go both ways
As young adults begin to differentiate themselves from their family of origin, new boundaries have to emerge in response to the ways their relationships are changing — especially with their parents. Parents often struggle to know how to respond or whether to proactively talk about those boundaries.
First of all: What is a boundary?
A boundary is simply a way to distinguish between one person and another. All relationships have boundaries. Boundaries are tools, neither good nor bad. They help us set realistic expectations for how we relate to one another.
Much like other aspects of your relationship, boundaries shift as your child grows. When your child was a baby, they did not know the difference between themselves and their mother. That is normal and developmentally appropriate. Over time, the child learns that they are separate from their parents and grows into their identity. Toddlers learn to say no. Children learn what they like and don’t like. Teens value their privacy and begin to confide more in their friends than their parents. All of this is normal and helps us grow into the adults we are now.
So what do healthy boundaries look like between a parent and a young adult in the process of launching to college? Healthy boundaries are a two-way street. They are agreed upon between the young adult and the parent, with give-and-take in the conversation, and hopefully, mutual understanding and respect. They allow the young adult more space, more autonomy, and more agency. The needs and desires of the parent are important in this process, too!
What does this look like in action?
Lauren is grateful her parents offered to pay her college tuition. She worked hard to supplement their support with scholarship money, and everyone is comfortable with this arrangement. But her parents would also like her to learn financial independence, so they determined that any spending beyond tuition and lodging (including housing and on-campus meals) would be funded by Lauren’s part-time campus job. Lauren agreed this was fair, but she requested her parents fund her travel home during breaks. Her parents agreed. Both parents and their young adult know where they stand, and they have communicated proactively and clearly.
This is a great example of the two-way nature of boundaries. For Lauren, she knows exactly what she is responsible for, financially, and she set a boundary regarding home visits due to the limited nature of part-time campus work. Her parents felt respected and agreed.
Jordan felt frustrated by the constant phone calls and texts from his parents. He knew they were just concerned, but he also knew he needed some space. He also felt uneasy that his parents constantly reminded him to keep his location tracking on on his phone. During Christmas break, Jordan and his parents went out for lunch, and he brought up their communication rhythms. He recommended a once a week conversation on Sunday afternoons that would be longer and richer. His parents felt too anxious to not hear from him more frequently. So Jordan agreed to text them at least every other day to keep them in the loop.
He also worked up the courage to express his discomfort with the location tracking. At first, his parents weren’t willing to budge, but with some calm and curious questions, Jordan and his parents realized that tracking his location was about their concern for his safety, not their lack of trust in him. He agreed to text them when he was in for the night and to keep his location on during the weekends he goes on off-campus adventures with friends. Since his parents still felt uneasy, they all agreed they would try this out and then revisit the conversation during Spring Break.
Boundaries around communication often take time to develop but this is a good example of the ways technology can inform our communication boundaries.
Consider: What are some boundary conversations that are “outstanding” in your own relationship with your young adult? What would it look like to make a plan to approach this conversation with them?
