Practicing a non-anxious presence
I once got an email from a student ministry leader requesting an urgent meeting. She wouldn’t tell me what it was about, only that she needed support. When she arrived at my office, she was visibly nervous. She fidgeted for a moment, and then blurted out that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to continue leading her student ministry. She confessed she was having doubts about her faith, particularly the Bible. She felt disoriented, and she wasn’t sure if it was right for her to continue leading a Christian group when she didn’t know if she could count herself as Christian while she was having these kinds of thoughts.
I must admit that when she told me, my initial feeling was defensiveness. This was a student I had mentored for years. I had poured into her as a minister and supported her as she grew as a leader. Her sudden doubts made me feel insecure, like I had done something wrong. Like I was a bad minister.
It’s only natural. When we are emotionally invested in the young adults in our lives, and they come to us with struggles, it can make us feel lots of things.
But at that moment, this young adult didn’t need my anxiety or insecurity. She had trusted me with her overwhelm. I needed to figure out another way to manage my emotional reaction to her news besides forcing them on her and punishing her for her honesty.
What does that practically look like in the moment? How do we support young adults in the midst of conversation when our own emotions are threatening to take control?
In trainings, workshops, and coaching, we encourage parents, pastors, and congregants to practice providing a non-anxious presence:
1. Practice perspective.
When a young adult comes to you in distress or with heightened emotions, remind yourself that this is (1) developmentally normal, (2) not about you, and (3) an opportunity to come alongside them in faith. Even just reminding yourself of these things, in the moment, can help you not get sucked into an emotional spiral.
2. Emotionally regulate.
In particularly intense conversations, give yourself a moment to breathe. We recommend breath prayer as a way to pray in the moment and keep your emotions grounded. A guide for breath prayer is below.
3. Give yourself grace.
Young adults are experiencing a developmental time of instability. As someone who loves them, their shaky ground can make your footing feel less sure, too! Remember, we are not seeking perfection in our support. We just need to be present, no matter what. Give yourself grace!
When I felt my own insecurities arise in that conversation with that student, I paused instead of blurting out the first thing that came to my mind. Instead, I asked her if we could take a few deep breaths together, and as I breathed, I thought a breath prayer to myself. When we opened our eyes, we smiled at each other. Then we started talking. That pause helped me stay curious, ask good questions, and sincerely engage with what she was feeling and experiencing.
It turned out, there was no need for her to step down from leadership! She just needed a space to process. And together, we discovered ways that her deep and important questions could actually enrich her ministry.
Young adults need support and we can provide it for them without anxiety. It just takes a little practice and intentionality!
A Guide to Breath Prayer:
Still yourself by taking a few deep breaths. Notice the feeling of the air expanding your lungs. Imagine the oxygen in your blood, flowing through and nourishing your body.
Continuing to take deep breaths, focus your attention on the presence of God within and around you. If you need help with this, focus on a “holy word” (e.g., love, grace, joy).
As you focus on God’s presence and your breathing, allow a name for God to emerge. This may be a name that helps you feel close to God or that you would like to remember about God. This name can be simple (e.g., God, Lord, Father) or it can be something more specific (e.g., Creator, Shepherd, Adonai, Giver of Life, Prince of Peace). Allow the name to emerge organically for you.
Focusing on that name for God and your breathing, allow a sentence or question to arise that you want to express to God. It could be an expression of praise, gratitude, doubt, confession, supplication, longing, anger, hope — anything at all. Just keep that expression brief and trust that God will fill in the gaps of everything left unsaid. For example: “Good shepherd, please guide me.”
Spend some time breathing in the name for God and breathing out the phrase that arose for you. Repeat as many times as you’d like. When you feel your mind wander, gently bring your attention back to your breath and the repetition of your prayer.
